A Quiet Night
by TheFandomCalls
Summary: All Harry wanted was a quiet night with his son. Really, after all these years, he should know better.


Harry settled into the living room couch with James in his lap. Ginny was in Holyhead to cover the Harpies – Cannon match, which Ron insisted the Cannons would win despite the fact that Wilkins, one of the Beaters, had knocked himself out with his own bat in the previous match.

"What story do you want, Jamie?"

"Free Bruvvers!"

Harry sighed. His son had an inexplicable obsession with the story of the Peverell brothers, and Harry often wondered how he would react when he learned about the Deathly Hallows. Harry opened his mouth to read when the fireplace suddenly turned green and his very pregnant sister-in-law tumbled out.

"Hermione! You _know_ the Healer said to avoid the Floo! Why-"

"AUNT HERMY!" James 'excited screech drowned out the rest of his words.

"Hello, Jamie", Hermione said, offering her godson a tight smile. Then her expression turned thunderous again. Harry noticed that her hair was twice its usual size, making her look positively terrifying. When she spoke, however, her voice was eerily calm. It was this, more than anything else that terrified the man who had taken on giant snakes, dragons and evil psychopaths without feeling half as terrified as he felt now.

"I've left Ron", she announced.

"Why?" Harry asked, inwardly thanking all his stars that James had the sense to keep quiet.

"Because I saw him hugging and kissing her! Lavender Brown, that _complete slut_!"

"Hermione, I'm sure it was just a friendly-"

"SLUT!" James Sirius Potter was quite pleased with himself for learning a new word

"No, no, Jamie, no. Please don't say that. Do you want Mummy to curse Daddy to bits?"

"Curse Daddy", James agreed happily. Meanwhile, his beloved Aunt Hermy was still ranting about Lavender Brown.

"I bet they've been meeting up for ages…..calling each other _Won-Won _and _ Lav-Lav…._Oh, why didn't I suspect it sooner?", Hermione cried, wringing her hands.

Harry took a deep breath and decided to tackle one problem at a time. "Hermione, will you please calm down? I'm sure it was only a friendly hug, and he only kissed her on the cheek, not the lips, right?"

"Yes", Hermione said, and burst into tears.

"'Well then, what's the problem?" asked a bewildered Harry.

"Ron doesn't love me anymore!"

"How in the name of Merlin did you come to that conclusion?" Harry asked, trying to ignore his son repeatedly whacking the book of fairy tales on the sofa.

"He-he doesn't argue with me anymore", sniffed Hermione. "It's like I'm not even worth arguing with anymore!"

"You think he doesn't love you anymore because he doesn't fight with you", Harry said slowly, just to make sure he had heard right. He knew pregnancy hormones made women barmy, but Ginny had never acted like this when she was pregnant with James. But then again, Ginny hadn't written ten extra inches on every History of Magic essay.

The Boy-Who-Lived's musings on the mental states of his wife and sister-in-law were interrupted by a long, lanky figure coming in through the Floo.

"UNCLE RON! SLUT!"

"What the bloody hell, Hermione? I come home and I find a note saying you've left me! What in the name of Merlin's saggy-"

"I know about your secret!" screeched Hermione. Her hair seemed to crackle with electricity. "I know you've been seeing Lavender, I saw you two all over each other in the shop today!"

Ron laughed, prompting Harry to wonder whether his best friend had a death wish. The punishment for murder was a life sentence….would they allow her to have the baby before going to Azkaban. Would he be forced to arrest Hermione? Would the baby grow up in Azkaban? All these thoughts raced through his mind in about two seconds.

"I hugged Lavender, and kissed her _on the cheek_ because she convinced her cousin Marie to sell us the land in Paris for our France branch! We've been trying to get space there for ages! And I didn't tell you because I thought we could go there for the opening and spend a weekend there. But how could you think I'd cheat on you?" Ron explained, sounding hurt at the end.

"I thought you didn't love me anymore", sniffed Hermione. "You don't argue with me about pointless stuff like we used to".

Ron looked like he dearly wanted to comment on the barminess of the female species, but wisely restrained himself. "I was trying to be nice", he said. "I didn't want you to get stressed out and I just wanted to make things easier for you".

"Oh, Ron!" Hermione flung herself on him, sobbing. This would have terrified a thirteen year-old Ron, but twenty-six year-old Ron was far too used to his wife's craziness to even bat an eyelid. He just hugged her tight and rubbed circles on her back, while giving Harry an exasperated look which Harry realised was uncannily like the one Hermione used to give Ron and him in school whenever they got overexcited about Quidditch. He was glad Ginny wasn't one to cry too much, even while pregnant. He'd rather handle a violent Ginny than a weepy Ginny. He loved Hermione, of course, but how Ron had been putting up with her mood swings for the last few months was beyond him.

The fireplace burned bright green again, and Harry dearly hoped it was anyone other than George and his son Fred, who were the only people who could possibly make this evening crazier. Of course, The Chosen One should have known by now that wishing such things was only tempting fate.

It wasn't George and Fred, but….

"MUMMY! SLUT!"

And the trio who had broken into a bank, ridden a dragon, helped a convict escape on a stolen Hippogriff and defeated the greatest Dark wizard of all time froze in fear at the sight of Ginny Potter's murderous expression.


End file.
